"Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup, 
they slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe…" (John Lennon)

In spite of this warning against verbal pollution from over 25 years ago the number of words used has increased dramatically in recent years. By mobile phone, fax, email, newspaper, newscaster, politician, teacher or graffiti, words inundate us. The vast majority of words have no lasting value and are produced without thought and received without thought. However, they do have impact and are used to heal, to inform, to kill time, to persuade or to hurt. 

They also have an end-purpose and are spoken for the benefit of the listener, sometimes for the speaker but rarely for mutual benefit. 

The Four Conversations

Words come together to create conversations - conversations are defined as words with a purpose. For our purposes here, we can think about  four types of conversation:

1. The conversation that takes place for the sake of the speaker (the "Persuasion" Conversation)

This type of conversation contains communication intended to bring about the will of the word-maker not the receiver. At its extreme it can easily become a monologue and is the form of language most often used by those in authority or leadership roles where there is a disparity of power. Power within this conversation resides with the speaker, and because this is essentially one way, the level of relational depth achieved is low. We might describe this form of conversation as dictation, or direction, or authority. Its purpose is to realise the intention of the speaker.

2. The conversation that takes place for the sake of the relationship (the "Collaborative" Conversation)

The Collaborative Conversation focuses on the relationship and is characterised by mutuality, sharing, listening, being with, being for and intimacy. Often it is a mixture of sympathy and small-talk. Rarely are difficult matters carefully addressed. While there are amazingly deep Collaborative Conversations, it is all too easy for them to contain small talk and a level of communication that does moves beyond gossip or abstract topics like the weather or sport. Participants can also, very often, conspire against addressing topics that may feel unsafe or difficult for one party or another. Instead, they find ways to justify, excuse or deny the importance of certain problems.

 3 The conversation that takes place for the sake of the receiver (the "Helping" Conversation)

This conversation centres on the needs of another person. The Helping Conversation says: "Let me know what you need, and I'll help you find the solution". It is often the conversation of the helping professions where one person facilitates the needs of another. Clearly, there is often a power imbalance between helper and the one being helped. The content of the conversation (unlike the other conversations above) often entails a greater degree of purpose and depth.

4. The conversation that takes place for the sake of growth (the "Thoughtful" Conversation)

This is the conversation whose purpose is to develop the potential of one or both participants. It is a difficult conversation to have if both have not chosen it and if power is not shared. At the same time the conversation has purpose. A Thoughtful Conversation seeks to enter the risky territory that friends avoid and looks at purpose, intention, development and what stops a person from moving on. It's a difficult conversation as well as a vital one.

Some features of the "Thoughtful Conversation" are risk, listening, depth, attention, empathy, integrity, honesty, care and engagement, and the philosophy can be summed up with this notion:

"How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?"

By saying something out loud in a coherent way we are more easily able to understand it.

 "Thoughtful" seems to be an appropriate way to describe this form of dialogue. The content is typically focused at a deeper level, requiring more thought and consideration than most conversations, and also participants are required to think carefully about how they engage, or intervene, with each other in the process.

Thoughtful conversations offer an opportunity for an open, trusting, uncritical discussion on any topic. That opportunity only comes where the listener offers certain conditions: active listening, authenticity and understanding and an absence of judging.

An example of a Thoughtful Conversation in practice.

I was recently working with a client who was facing redundancy. He was primarily anxious about loss of income but this was complicated by ambivalence about the organisation and the work he was doing. Our conversation unearthed a mass of complication based around the possible short-term outcomes. Talking through it together enabled my client to distinguish between current decisions and those that would not actually become choices until other prior decisions had been taken by his employer and himself. Having done this my client saw that he only had one choice to make at that point and that the process was a sequence of connected choices rather than a mass of conflicts. 

The Thoughtful Conversation allowed my client, within a fairly short space of time, to gain control, make choices and move forward, rather than remain in paralysis.

Conclusion

There are many conversations all with different purposes, different content and encompassing different types of relationships, which involve the way power is used. Thoughtful Conversations offer a way of communicating safely and therefore openly. Openness is the key exploring difficult topics and therefore solving difficult problems.

Nick Gendler